Releasing Control to Make Room for Attraction

“For the entire length of my relationship with my partner (13 years) I’ve struggled with this “parent/child” dynamic. My partner was the one that was very needy emotionally and I always felt like the stable one emotionally, but yet I would always give in to his tantrums. I didn’t know what it meant to set boundaries. Only recently while coaching with Daniel Adams have I been able to break some of those pattens and oh man were they NOT what I was expecting. 

I actually coached with Daniel for 6 months with the intention of building attraction to my partner; because after 13 years of being the parent I literally had lost attraction to the point I didn’t think it was possible to get it back. I spent 6 months of coaching thinking that I was shifting so much, but actually still holding so much blame and resentment. I was waiting for some massive change to happen in my partner because…shit, I was putting in so much work, on myself.

Why was he still not becoming the person that I wanted him to be???

There was a point toward the end of that 6 months that I was just DONE. I was so exhausted. Being the parent was draining every ounce of energy I had to give. I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to free myself from this drama and go find someone who was more spiritual, more masculine, more aware, someone that I deserved. (because I was becoming so woke… 🤦🏻‍♀️) OR I could choose to re-Commit fully to him. 

There was a strong part of me that wanted so badly to run from all of that tension, yet deep down I knew that if I did run and I didn’t heal what was triggering me so hardcore I would only recreate this dynamic in other relationships. I did not go back into the relationship with the mindset to fix him, Instead I chose to turn and face MY own demons, my own insecurities. And boy are they deep.

I’ve discovered my very deep insecurity and need to be in control. One of the biggest things I’ve recently realized is that I truly deep down thought that I was better, more superior than him. I know that sounds horrible, but it’s true. This belief was the underlying thorn in my side. I have had to consciously choose to see him with new eyes. I was so closed off to him that I could not receive.

I couldn’t receive his touch, his compliments, his gifts, his love… I couldn’t receive him. And because his energy is just sooo BIG, I judged him as being too much and his too muchness threatened my finely crafted walls that guarded my heart, that protected me. I was afraid that if I fully let him in I would lose my autonomy and personal space that I hold so sacred. I was so afraid of being smothered by his too muchness and losing myself.  

I had heard this soooo many times before but in a moment of journaling about this I had an epiphany and realized that  I GET TO SOURCE MY OWN SAFETY!!! I don’t need him to change a damn thing in order for me to be safe. I Am Safe. I AM Safe. Daniel shared an analogy with me that really helped this land.

If my thoughtful neighbor brought me a plate of chocolatey chocolate chip cookies that are loaded with sugar, am I obligated to eat the whole plate? Am I obligated to even eat one? No, absolutely not. But I can … fully receive every ounce of love and kindness that was served to me, without actually having to go against what is true for me or healthy for me. I can fully receive all of the love and bigness that he offers without being smothered by it. This is what setting boundaries now means to me at least in this situation. This is how I can source safety.

Since that realization, I have chosen daily to create a different belief about him and I’m amazed at all the beautiful parts of him that I have just chosen not to see over the years. I cried with him the other night, just in awe at his ability to be so open! His ability to forgive and just love. The more that I open my eyes and my heart to see his strengths the more I find. I realized that In so many ways he is actually living the more spiritual life, without even knowing or trying, and I’ve been the one in judgment and keeping myself stuck. I had so much pride. I realized how much I can actually learn from him when I’m not trying to change him.

Obviously I’m not saying that my way is THE way, but it has definitely created much more intimacy for us.”

-Jessica D.